How to deal with Adversity?

Executive Summary – How to deal with adversity?

What is adversity? How important is it for our growth and development? How can we become more mindful in the way we respond to adversity so that it does in fact make us stronger and wiser? Rohini Rathour uncovers ‘How to deal with adversity’ and also outlines 7 steps to dealing with adversity by developing an owner mindset. She has shared her thoughts in her voice and the audio is also embedded below.

Adversity – 7 Steps to dealing with it

Out of life’s school of war – what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.

Friedrich Nietzsche

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is an oft-used mantra for resilience in the face of a crisis, a difficult event or unpleasant situation. It is not the adverse event in itself but our response to it that potentially makes us stronger or wiser. We will talk more about this in a minute.  First let’s take a closer look at adversity and what it really means.

What is adversity?

Adverse, from which the word adversity is derived, means contrary to what we actually want or expect. 

There is a natural assumption that anything that is opposite to what we want must be disadvantageous or harmful to us.  When viewed in that unfavourable light, it’s not surprising that we greet adversity with as much enthusiasm as root canal surgery.   

What can you learn from adversity?

Imagine a life in which everything always goes the way you expect or want.  A life in which there are no hurdles or challenges.  A life that is safe, comfortable and utterly predictable.  Ergo, a life that is very dull.

Life is more interesting because of its inherent variability, the fresh opportunities to keep learning and growing. When viewed in this way, it is the unknown, the unpredictable and the unexpected events in our life that keep us moving and stop us from stagnating.

Can we overcome all adversity?

There is no resilience without resistance. 

In resilience lie the roots of rejuvenation, re-acceleration and reinvention.  

Did You Know?

There are myriad ways of increasing resilience. If you are left brained, you can increase resilience through programming. If you prefer the right brain approach, you can increase resilience through art.

A bird uses the resistance of an immovable object under its feet to take flight. A swimmer uses the wall of the swimming pool to push against to propel forward faster. Leaders often use groups of people with different viewpoints to stress test ideas, broaden understanding and deepen conviction.

You don’t always need externally imposed resistance to grow. There are many examples of people setting themselves challenging goals as ways to explore what’s truly possible for them. It is a controlled way to build curiosity, courage and confidence.

And yet despite all of that you may not feel adequately prepared for life changing adversity for which there can be no dress rehearsal. Experience can be the only teacher when it comes to things like serious illness, death of a loved one, end of a relationship, the loss of livelihood, bankruptcy and so on.

Typical Response in dealing with Adversity

Neuroscience suggests that adversity typically brings out in us the flight or fight response.  You may try to get away from the stressful situation – flight, or you may push back – fight.

Imagine you find yourself in an unexpected and uncomfortable situation.  Let’s say someone in power, your boss, someone who has the ability to make life better or difficult for you, makes an inappropriate overture or an indecent proposal.  Your mind and your body sense boundary invasion and go into alert mode, seeking in real time the different ways in which to respond. What would you do? 

Here are some possible ways to respond.

Flight

You walk or run away.  You’re potentially throwing away possible reward further down the line: a promotion or new business or the long-awaited break you’ve been waiting for.  You may later regret it and wonder what might have happened if you’d stayed and been brave. 

Fight

You fight back verbally and physically.  You risk retribution, even injury, from someone who is far more powerful than you.  Even jeopardise your career and your reputation.  You may later wonder if it might have been better to just endure the short-term indignity for a longer-term payoff.

In reality, there are two other reactions to such an event that are often overlooked but are far more likely to occur.

Freeze

You are rendered speechless and unable to move.  Your brain is frantically searching for previous similar experiences for guidance on how to handle this delicate situation, but failing to find answers. 

Flow

You receive the proposal for what it is. You take stock of it, and then go along as if in an improvisation, without a specific goal or an attachment to the outcome.  Stay present and realistic at all times, assessing at each step what your own next steps might be.

How do you respond to adversity?

There is no right or wrong way to respond. 

Sometimes it is right to run like hell, get away as quickly as possible.  At other times, where such flight is not possible, staying and fighting back might be the preferred response. 

Things may be happening so quickly, that to freeze or to flow will have dire consequences.  For example, if you find yourself in the midst of a natural disaster or in the face of a vicious attack from a crazed gunman.  At such times, our instinct will kick in and propel us to do what it takes.  At all other times, the “freeze” can be used in a positive way, as an opportunity to slow down and take in what is actually going on before choosing your response. 

Viktor Frankl spent three years in captivity in four different Nazi concentration camps.  Upon his release he went on to write the bestseller Man’s Search for Meaning.  He says,

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. 

Viktor Frankl

In that act of choosing lie the seeds to who we become and how we live.

How to deal with adversity with an Owner Mindset?

When hit with negativity or adverse events, we may feel aggrieved and victimised.  We can choose at that point to either remain a victim or to adopt the owner’s mindset. A victim needs someone to blame and will wait to be rescued.  An owner will look at the situation, assess their role in it and take responsibility for the actions they choose to take. 

Here are 7 steps to having an owner mindset in the face of adversity: 

#1: Perspective

Look at the events facing you as objectively as possible. Is the situation simply unfamiliar or is it genuinely uncomfortable?  So, for instance, stepping out of your comfort zone will feel scary but it’s not necessarily dangerous or harmful to you.  Is it about you or is it about something much bigger than you?  Often people say and do things that seem irrational and insulting that may make you feel slighted or hurt. 

What if you accepted that it had very little to do with you, that it was coming from a place of their own insecurity or traumas?  You might see the whole situation in a very different light.

#2: Scope

Is the adverse situation something you can control or do something about? 

For instance, the Corona virus and the resulting pandemic is a global problem.  There is not much any one person can do to make things better.  However, we can individually take responsibility for our role in the crisis and make helpful choices. 

In general, it is a very good idea to have a mental list of things you can focus your energy and attention on.  It can stop you feeling overwhelmed whilst engaging you in activities that will make a difference.

#3 : Presence

It is natural to look for answers to new and unfamiliar situations by delving into the archives of our previous experiences.  The mind is good at finding patterns even when none exist.  This is where problems can occur.  We may read negative meaning into a perfectly innocent remark based on what our mind has become conditioned to perceive. 

Become present.  Look at any given situation, person or comment in its own right.

#4 : Respond, not react

Take time to absorb the new stimulus, create space in which you can take steps 1 to 3 in real time.  An instant response that comes out of habit or from your subconscious mind is deemed as a reaction.  Most every day stimuli don’t require us to react.

Allowing us time to respond in a thoughtful and measured way can save a lot of time and unnecessary drama caused by an immediate and ill-judged reaction.

#5 : Befriend your Fears

If you can accept that fear is your mind’s way to keep you safe, you can turn it into an ally, not a bottleneck. 

When thinking about how to respond, it is worth asking yourself what you fear most as an outcome.  Once you’ve articulated your fear, you will know how to navigate the next steps more proactively.  It will also invite your mind to become more creative and curious.

#6 : Find Purpose

Out of the depths of adversity we can find bigger meaning.  If you’ve been through a life-changing event and come out the other end stronger and wiser, you may feel inspired to share your story with others who may be facing a similar problem. 

For instance, when Viktor Frankl was held captive in the most appalling conditions in the concentration camps, he imagined how some day he would put what he learnt about human behaviour into practice to help his psychotherapy patients. 

He recognised that the prison camps were a microcosm of extreme human behaviour.  He witnessed acts of unimaginable cruelty alongside acts of unexpected kindness.  Each day he and his fellow inmates were faced with chances and choices that would literally make or break them.  He observed these and noted them down in his notebook that later became the basis of his book.

#7 : Keep your faith rooted in realism

James Stockdale was a US Navy Seal and a Vietnam Prisoner of War for seven years.  In that time he suffered extreme mental and physical cruelty.  What saved him was his steadfast belief that he would some day be free again.  He was able to balance his firm faith with the awful reality of his day-to-day life. 

Years later when Jim Collins interviewed Stockdale for his book Good to Great, he asked him who had struggled the most in captivity.  Stockdale’s surprising response was, “Oh, it’s easy.  I can tell you who didn’t make it out.  It was the optimists.  They were the ones who always said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’  Christmas would come and it would go.  And there would be another Christmas.  And they died of a broken heart.”

Dealing with adversity and self discovery

Adversity is the catalyst that will shake up the status quo, changing life as you know it and force you to look at yourself and your world with a fresh pair of eyes.  You may learn things about yourself that might otherwise stay hidden forever.  You may discover what you are truly capable of and what kind of life is really possible for you.

Decide if life is happening to you or for you. 

Those who believe life happens for them tend to be more proactive, willing to stay curious and to experiment. They are not fazed by setbacks or failure. It is such people who drive innovation and use disruption as a fertile ground for creativity. 

It is not adversity per se that will make you stronger or wiser, it is your response to it.

Rohini Rathour

Editor’s Note:

We are living through unprecedented times. But, how do we deal with the external circumstances? The 7 steps to dealing with adversity outlined by Rohini Rathour became a Featured Snippet on Bing for “How to deal with adversity“, A FTEM Success Story.

We hope you enjoyed reading about how to deal with adversity as this will help you to shift your locus of control. You can start taking action right away by overcome confusion. You may also want to read about how to create abundance – Busting 5 myths around money by Rohini Rathour.

About The Author

Rohini Rathour is a leadership coach and mentor, helping visionary leaders to lead with courage and compassion. She helps individuals become more self-aware, deepen self-belief and exercise greater self-control. She is also an author and a well regarded public speaker.

Rohini brings into her coaching her love of simplicity, compassionate empathy and a strong foundation of business knowledge and financial markets. You can reach out to her for a conversation that may just change how you see yourself and your life.